This blog post and Finally Alive go hand in hand.
There has been a point in my life that I have felt disconnected and dead to the world. Today, at this moment I have never felt more alive, connected, healed, and loved. I have a desire, a fire, and a clear connection through the Holy Spirit to the Heavenly Father that I have never had before. Being a follower of Christ and pursuing a relationship with the Heavenly Father is hard work and sacrificing. The blessings from God are worth the work. God’s timing is truly amazing. In retrospect, I can see Jesus clearly interwoven in my tumultuous life even when I did not truly believe in him.
It started with my rock bottom in 2004 after struggling with alcohol abuse, sexual assault, attempted suicide, financial debt, and compiling poor choices that I sought help. Help that was earthly and man-made that relieved and in some cases improved my overall situation to bearable and livable conditions. Overall, the pain and wasteland of shame still existed and I struggled controlling a bearable existence. That was until I found and accepted Jesus in the beginning of 2005 as my life was transitioning and thus the solution and ultimate healing began.
The process on my part has taken 12 years of wrestling and really not fully submitting to the Lord. At times in the 12 years I felt that I could have things and meet on my terms, not fully understanding the power, mercy, grace and love of almighty God. Struggling to find a community of believers and mentors to answer my burning questions about my belief in Jesus. Marrying and not fully understanding the covenant that my husband and I were making with God and our roles in our marriage. Not praying and feeling inadequate to pray for myself or others. Feeling trapped by my social anxiety that made me afraid to ask about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and how they work to propel God’s Kingdom. In 2014, on my knees I cried out for help…He answered.
He sent us to Germany, He introduced Frontline Community church, He put the tools and materials in front of us to choose Him. I chose the Women’s Retreat and fully submit to Him and he healed my social anxiety. We as husband and wife committed to one another to accept christian marriage counseling. In doing the counseling we realized God is our foundation and forgiveness was the key. God has transformed our marriage and placed us on a path to facilitate and help other couples struggling in marriage. He introduced people into our life to help explain forgiveness and biblically what that means. We went to an Inner Healing conference and learned about biblical healing with tons of forgiveness involved. I worked through a lot of forgiveness of others and of myself that continued months after the conference. I made it a priority to pray and read the bible and seek a relationship with Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Heavenly Father.
Forgiveness takes time and asking forgiveness may take more than once to do and I came before the father more than once asking forgiveness from my past and forgiving others in my past. Slowly, healing took place. Father uprooted and cleaned my heart from strongholds set in by years of sin.
This past week with the help of one on one inner healing , God gave me the foundation the truth to which I now cling to and pray over myself to reinforce the love the father has for me. Through the holy spirit God revealed that my past sin and the negative feelings that associated those memories are gone, thrown into the abyss where it belongs. A feeling of contentment, peace, warmth, and love filled my being. I have never experience that type of peace. He replaced the darkness with light, life, love, contentment, peace, comfort, stability, and a firm foundation. He showed me my identity that is melted into my heart, I am his, pure, holy, loved, childlike and innocent.
You to can have peace. Nothing is too big for God. I thought I was beyond saving, that I had lost my chance, my salvation. Ask Jesus in your heart, and cry out to God and give him all the ugly and he will turn it into good for His glory.
I will rejoice greatly in the LORD; my soul will exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10, ESV)