Finally Alive

This blog post and Inner Healing go hand in hand.

Have you ever felt like a rotting corpse on the inside; A hollow shell that adorns and decorates the outside to hide the secrets of a past filled with sin? Well, I have.

I am not sure where the downward spiral began or how I wore away my confidence, self-esteem, integrity, trustworthiness, beauty, peace, joy, self-control, confidence and love. I can say this it probably started small and it peaked around 2004. I started to believe the unholy lies of the enemy that I am not worth it, I am unclean, I am only good for one thing, I am untrustworthy, no one will love me, I am ugly, and then that narrative took root in my heart.  The enemy uses deception and walks a tight line almost mirroring truth to devour its victims.  The deception that brought me to my knees and cause the most chaos and pain was “alcohol will make the pain go away”. The physical pain manifested from  loneliness, despair, social anxiety, depression, low self esteem, poor choices, verbal abuse, and isolation. Innocently, enough I did not like to drink. I am still not a big fan and even more so that I know the devastation it had on my life.  I abused alcohol and used it to medicate and subdue the pain and lies that had taken root in my life. It was a horrific cycle that I developed in a two-year period: get drunk and do stupid, embarrassing, humiliating things and then the shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, condemnation sets in. Then I would vow not to do it again and that lasted till the next weekend or party and I would do it again.  At this time in my life I was blinded by the darkness and could not see the glimpses of light that was before me. Escape exits along my path to an eternity in fire. I had plenty of ” friends ” who would cheer on my drinking support my sinful ways and enable and reinforce my poor choices. It is hard to climb out of a hole when there is so much company making me feel like I belonged. My true friend told me many times that my drinking was too much and my behavior out of control. She waved warning flags and even bared the brunt of hearing people say horrible things about me. What was her reward? A friend who was selfish, self-absorbed, and toward the spiraling end ungrateful, verbally nasty, and in my worst drunken stupor wanted to fight her.  I truly loved her. She was a brilliant light among my darkness. She was never mean even when I deserved it. Whether, she knew it or not God was using her to show me that I was worth it.

The outside appearance I fit perfectly into a mold. I was clean well-groomed and performed my job as a medic in the Air Force practically flawlessly. Most co-workers and the majority of my command were shocked when in 2004, I referred myself to ADAPT (Air Force Alcohol and Drug Prevention and Treatment Program) and entered into the intensive outpatient program. I had enough.  I would love to say the program which is outstanding was a magic cure and after 8 weeks I was healed. While, I did get counseling, accountability and tools to use to not fall back into the cycle I had been living. I was still broken inside. I still had the memories through every drunken stupor, one night stand, blackout induced intoxication, fight, and a sexual assault still churning in my being. Now, complied with times after the program that I relapsed and begun to feel like a failure. “Why can’t I control this?” Because, I could not control this. There was one who could, and that was Almighty Heavenly Father.

God was working in my life. He brought coworkers that I can not recall their names, who were not afraid to talk about him in workplace setting or say they would pray for me when they found out I was struggling. They scattered seeds upon the soil of my soul never knowing the fruit that they would bear.  Inviting me to church and being a friend even though I was so broken. As I have come to know Jesus those co-workers were Christ-like and portrayed the qualities Jesus spoke of in the gospel. It would be 10 years of hard work and still more mistakes till I fully surrendered and gave up trying to meet God on my terms.

My point is that you may not choose God or love God but he already chose you and loves you regardless of how you feel about yourself or the horrible things you have done or things done to you. The debt is paid in full by the blood of Jesus Christ. Jesus was there in my drunkenness. He saw my outrageous behavior. He heard my lies. He wept when I was assaulted. He was with me always. He is the way the Truth and the life. Psalm 147:3 tells us, “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” I am defined by His love for me, not by the evil that others did to me.  Words cannot begin to describe the amount of reverence, praise, and thankfulness that I have for my Heavenly Father and the miraculous ways that he has healed me and he can heal you too. I am finally alive. Hallelujah!

“Jesus, What a Friend for Sinners”:

Jesus! what a Friend for sinners!
Jesus! Lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! what a Strength in weakness!
Let me hide myself in Him.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,
He, my Strength, my victory wins.

Jesus! what a Help in sorrow!
While the billows over me roll,
Even when my heart is breaking,
He, my Comfort, helps my soul.

Jesus! what a Guide and Keeper!
While the tempest still is high,
Storms about me, night overtakes me,
He, my Pilot, hears my cry.

Jesus! I do now receive You,
more than all in You I find.
You hath granted me forgiveness,
I am Yours, and You are mine.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
You are with me to the end.

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